Generals: Christmas Hour
by a very angry ravage
Summary: a stupid story about the adventure of a bang of hapless soldiers at the eve of Christmas. Rated T for extremely language and extremely ridiculous.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** **Hi, I'm new to , but this stupid fanfic is written more than ten years ago at an old chinese Command &Conquer forum, the Conquers. all the characters are members of it, hope my pals don't mind i translate and post this old stuff here ;) be expecting lots of grammar error and broken language! sadly Westwood is no more and Command&Conquer is belonging to EA now.**

 _ **Central Asia, Some-where-the-fuck-stan**_

 _ **Forward operating base of the freaking Conquers**_

Base commander aka site manager DELPHI: Alright guys! as you all know Christmas is near, but all our presents...are still piled up back home, all thanks to our diligent logistics department!

all anger conquers look daggers at the head of logistics department, aka site maintainer NIGHTMARE.

NIGHTMARE: ZZZ...ZZZ...two more minutes...and fire your complains to the farthest nuclear plant...

DELPHI: to avoid the awful fate of ruining Christmas for lack of presents, a task force must be dispatched to the supermarket nearby to make purchases! but according to satellite scan, there are GLA forces infested nearby, so it's an extremely dangerous mission...six volunteers are needed, and i choose: 鸭子, WILLII, KKND, 琉蓝, HIUYUEN, and of course you RAVAGE!

RAVAGE: you call this voluntary?! (looking backward and discoverd all others backing off) damn it!

 _ **at the airfield**_

the volunteers are preparing within a Chinook helicopter.

inside the cockpit

YEXINAD: engine?

WILLII: checked.

YEXINAD: navigation?

WILLII: online!

YEXINAD: portable chronosphere module?

WILLII: ...when the hell we got that?

YEXINAD: curse that lazy engineer/modder RAVAGE!

meanwhile, at the cargo hold

RAVAGE: what's going on with those two Humvees?

琉蓝: KKND's idea. don't you know that so this Chinook can carry more than half?

RAVAGE: ...of people! not presents! Grrrrrrrrrrr!

finally the helicopter takes off, and proceeds to their destination. as they pass through a slum area, YEXINAD just turn-on autopilot and focus on his adult magazine while WILLII playing videogame, nobody cares about the dangerous environment. ofcourse a squad of GLA soldiers detected the Chinook and decided Christmas or not they're getting their own presents.

YEXINAD: hehehe check this baby out...

WILLII: damn! leave me along you disgusting 3-dimensional lover!

one GLA soldier stood up, with a CD-ROM drive on his shoulder, and ejected a stream of some knock-off role-playing game CDs at the Chinook!

YEXINAD: goddamn RPG!

in the depth of despair, Chinook 1 doing all the dodge it can while deploying flares, yet one of its rotors still get hitted, ineluctability crashing to the ground.

YEXINAD: IWANABEHITTEDBYFALLOUT3 AHHHHHHHHHHHH

(yes this fic was written before that)

HIUYUEN: IDON'TWANNADIEIAMSTILLVIRGINNNNNNNNNNNN

RAVAGE: stop using capital my eye hurts!

on the monitors of the FOB, the Chinook 1 disappeared in a huge dust cloud.

DELPHI: who the hell forget to return that Blackhawk Down DVD?

 _ **inside the hulk of Chinook**_ _ **1**_ , RAVAGE managed to crawl into the cockpit: hey somebody still not dies?

YEXINAD: i'm okay but WILLII may not make it...

WILLII moved a bit

RAVAGE: this soldier has done his part...

WILLII: ouch...my head...

RAVAGE: His heroic deeds...

WILLII: hey guys i'm alive

RAVAGE: should be remembered...

WILLII: I'M FUCKING ALIVE FUCK YOUR FUCKING SPEECH YOU FUCKING MECHANICAL DOG-

(RAVAGE took out his pistol and seth-headshoted WILLII)

RAVAGE: ...forever!

KKND: oh my god he killed WILLII!

琉蓝: you bastard!

(WILLII was using kenny as his forum avatar)

RAVAGE: how's the radio?

YEXINAD: still working but the microphone is gone, now it's receiving only.

there are communication noises coming through

RAVAGE: no problem they can still get us through the spydrone's cam.

 _ **at the FOB commandcenter**_

DELPHI: our brave volunteers have gone...but their sacrifice will not be not be wasted! by my order: target all our Nuke Particle Cannon and MOAB at the crash site, bomb all the neighbourhood to the stone age!

DELPHI: we should watch the biggest firework show in history!

(all freaking conquers cheering together)

(on the monitor screen, the sidedoor was pushed away, a hand reach out to the sky, firmly giving the finger)

(then grumbling voices of discontent filled the whole commandcenter)

DELPHI: shit missed the chance...again! sigh get me ZM HENSON the commando!

 _ **to be continued...**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 _ **At the crash site of Chinook 1**_

The surviving volunteers are retaliating the swarming GLA troops with everything they got: assault rifle, flintlock, vulgar, overdue MRE...

KKND: why the hell these assholes rushing at us with groups of twelve?

YEXINAD: intel tells their boss is a starcraft player...

WILLII(creeping to their side): hey guys what's going on?

RAVAGE: oh hi WILLII.

WILLII: you guys forget your cellphone.

RAVAGE: give me that! RAVAGE to base, requesting fire support, coordinates 1410,779...

DOOMLORD: understand, DRIFTHAT's ship will provide artillery support, eta 3 minutes.

RAVAGE: ...SHIP?

HIUYUEN: SO?

RAVAGE: aren't we in Central Asia? surrounded by desert? where is the nearest water?

 **At FOB**

 _ **the private swimming pool of commander DELPHI, which is now the temporary dock of DRIFTHAT's navy**_ _ **.**_

DELPHI: first thing first! one drop of fuel in the pond, you can see goodbye to your year-end bonuses! (totally wetted by the splash caused by artillery firing) goddamn!

RAVAGE(suddenly aware): Wait a minute, fire support from which boat?

DOOMLORD: that discounted cruiser survived Red Alert campaign, problem?

RAVAGE: Damn! listen, target us, repeat, target us- - -

the falling shells did not hit the GLA at all, instead hitting our heroes' around, WILLII was punched into the ground.

KKND: oh my god DRIFTHAT killed WILLII!

琉蓝: you bastard!

RAVAGE: DRIFTHAT Listen! coordinates 1496,758 has GLA mech movement... counting four mech walkers... requesting fire support!

DRIFTHAT(which is a conventional ship and tank lover): I fucking hate mech! coordinates locked, fire!

shells accurately hit their target, GLA's two Gundams and two Madcats are smashed into scrap pieces.

琉蓝: their modders surely are more diligent than ours...

RAVAGE: ...fuck you.

 _ **Above the city block close to the crash site**_ , the Chinook 2 fly by, which Carrying the rescuing team: ZM HENSON and his cannon fodders, including 火魂, RHINE, WITTMAN, and LANCEANGE. the huge helicopter is desperately maneuvering, avoiding the RPG CDs constantly shooting at it.

火魂(crawling into the cargo hold): sorry guys... those who did not write a will, please hurry up ...

ZM HENSON: What's going on? we run out of flares?

火魂: nope...too much disc sticked on the copter, we overweighted!

Chinook 2 began to fall

火魂: MAYDAY，MAYDAY，WE'RE HITED，WE'RE GOING DOWN，REPEAT，WE'RE GOING DOWN，WE'RE GOING DOWN!

 _ **Commandcenter**_

DOOMLORD: alright Chinook 2 you can stop yelling, everybody know you guys are perverts.

(this is a stupid pun joke: the pronounce of "going down" in English is similar to "pervert" in Chinese)

 **A/N: Merr** **y Christmas** **everybody** **!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter** **3**

 _ **At the crash site of Chinook 2**_

ZM HENSON keeps on firing with his anti-material rifle.

ZM HENSON: screw this whole bullshit! i was supposed enjoying this Christmas with my hot chicks! instead i had to stay with those assholes in a stupid foxhole! all of you, just fucking die!

火魂 and the rest can do nothing but scaring and staring at the very anger ZM HENSON.

a bunch of GLA rebels screaming and swarming at the Chinook 2 team.

ZM HENSON headshoted them one by one.

several terrorists brandishing their arms, rushing forward.

ZM HENSON headshoted them one by one.

a very drunken Jesus walked into the sight: Happy birthday to me ~ ~ wish me a happy birthday ~ ~ everyone, wish me a happy birthday ~ ~

ZM HENSON just headshoted him.

Rhine, wittman: holy shit! ZM HENSON killed Jesus!

LanceAnge, Lancelomeng, 火魂: you bastard!

ZM HENSON: nonsense! ...it's his fault for crossing my shot! one more word and you can spend the rest of your life at my chicken farm!

 _ **At the entrance of the base**_

the armor battalion, which mixed with mammoth tanks, apocalypse tanks and overlord tanks, leading by tank commander SOVIET's personal baneblade, marched through the gate.

SOVIET: full speed and roll out!

suddenly the baneblade take brakes, SOVIET's face is crashed onto the machine gun in the hull.

Germany the driver: how the hell the very first traffic light is red...

 _ **N**_ _ **ear the crash site of Chinook 1**_

RAVAGE and his group managed to salvage a Humvee and driving it through the street

RAVAGE(on the phone): freaker1 to base, over.

DOOMLORD: base to freaker1, speak quickly, my battery is running down and the cheapskates all around the base refuses me to recharge at their socket!

RAVAGE: we are now in the Center Avenue, returning to base...

DOOMLORD: negative, report, negative. Chinook 2 crashed down on your 700 metres in the Northwest, rendezvous with them then proceed with the mission at the nearest supermarket. remember bring two boxes of milk for me!

RAVAGE: what the hell? it's supposed them to rescue us! i don't care about this suicide mission anymore, this christmas has been missed anyway, i am now moving towards the base!

DOOMLORD: yeah we missed this one, but don't forget the new year, the Spring Festival, boss's birthday ...

RAVAGE: fuck...wait a minute, what's going on ahead?

KKND took a brake.

 _the street was blocked by GLA barricades._

dressed in an SM uniform, holding a whip, SV (the one and only female on the forum) appears

SV: you idiots are actually pretty good for going this far...but it's ended here now! Oh Oh Oh ...

Several GLA soldiers carry out WILLII

SV: surrender now, or else!

WILLII (looking at SV lustfully): please allow me to be your pet...

RAVAGE and others take their rocket launchers together and blowed WILLII to pieces.

SV: oh my god they killed WILLII!

GLA soldiers: you bastard!

KKND and 琉蓝: hey that's our line!

 _ **O**_ _ **n the other side of the city**_

Germany: strange...why i have the feeling that we're going round in circles? i'm pretty sure we been this red light district one hour ago! something wrong with the map?

SOVIET give him a look, grabbed the map, turned it upside down and flung back.

Germany: but i already did that...oops i was staring at my gameboy not the GPS! sorry...

 **(A/N: sorry but this is actually the last part of this old fic, since the plot has became so ridiculous i lost the will to continue...anyway, have a happy new year everyone!)**


End file.
